THE BAGEL DIVINATION SYSTEM FOR NEW YORK AUGURY
(Scientific Occult paper by MVM and GB)
One ancient Roman system of divination known as augury was built on careful interpretation of natural phenomena as a way of asking the gods for Yes/No answers to questions of policy. Questions like “Should we declare war on Carthage?” and “Should we build our city on the Palatine Hill?” Natural phenomena, such as the flight patterns of birds, were used as divination systems for such questions. However, for New Yorkers, bird behavior is a less satisfactory means of divination than for the ancient Romans. While recreational bird-watching is still popular in Manhattan, it is confined to rare rectangles of Nature such as Central Park. In this large rectangle, traditional divination birds like eagles and vultures are rare, requiring one to settle for lesser substitutes. Sure, other options for observing animal behavior abound, but consider the value of advice from a god willing to speak through the medium of New York’s pigeons and rats. Any answer from such a god would leave one desiring a second opinion and a shower.
But no fear. One medium exists which is widely available in the City and is perfect for the gods to speak through: the iconic New York poppyseed bagel. Every resident of this great city has easy access to a source of bagels, although some folks in more bagelly disadvantaged parts of the metropolis may need to walk as far as four blocks to obtain the holy treat.
In addition to being literally holy, the poppyseed bagel is also uniquely important symbolically. Bagels are fashioned in the shape of a torus, a significant spiritual shape connected to Life and Energy. Poppyseeds (as opium) have been used medicinally for pain relief for thousands of years and in the Mediterranean world the use of the poppy flower as a symbolic offering for the dead goes back at least three-thousand years. Suffice to say, one cannot fault the judgment of a god willing to speak through the medium of a poppyseed bagel, a clear advantage over, say, the onion bagel.
Whilst history states that most traditional gods prefer blood sacrifices to vegetarian ones, most gods are now getting with the times and are incorporating plant-based options. It is also true that almost no humans and definitely no gods will refuse a bagel. Obviously, the gods being perfect beings all tolerate (and love) gluten. Besides, augury does not necessarily involve sacrifice. If a blood sacrifice must be made to appease a particular god and the god in question is insistently carnivorous, a simple addition to the bagel of some slices of pastrami should suffice.
Now the crux: How does one choose a seemingly random process using a poppyseed bagel for the gods to show their will by intervention?
Clearly, the answer is: seedfall.
As everyone is aware, when one picks up a bagel poppyseeds break free and fly unpredictably in every direction, landing in one’s tea, the butter, all over one’s napkin, in one’s lap, in one’s companion’s mustache, and in other places where they will only be discovered during the next laundry run. Poppyseeds are small and so easily affected by casual effort from the gods, thus avoiding undue burden on one’s divine interlocutors. If one connects the process of seedfall to a way of conveying meaning, such as a Ouija Board, and does so under the coöperative attention of a Divine Being, then one has all the elements of a perfect divination system. Behold.
And please note: In The Bagel Divination System, a Diagram is used which includes multiple areas for falling poppyseeds to land, clearly marked with affirmative, negative, and non-committal answers.
Instructions for Divining Using a Poppyseed Bagel
1. Obtain a poppyseed bagel. It is preferable to obtain a fresh bagel from a reputable baker. Remember, bagels bought fresh can be frozen and thawed later. Do not use inferior supermarket bagels in a bag; only poor results can flow from annoying the gods. Do not use anything described as a “mini-bagel” as they are abominations to the gods.
2. Bless the bagel in the name of the god you wish to question. Be careful with ritual purification, as holy water soggifies bagels and toasting affects the aerodynamic properties of the poppyseeds.
3. Print out the attached Magick Diagram. The Diagram is sized to fit a 5” diameter bagel when printed on US letter paper.
4. Lay the Magick Diagram flat on a clean surface.
5. Bless the Diagram in the name of the god you wish to question.
6. Arrange the bagel on a plate near the Diagram. The plate is to avoid accidental seedfall before the god is fully involved.
7. Invoke the attention of the god you wish to question by chanting the god’s name three times. Minor acts of sacrifice such as libations of wine are helpful, but food sacrifices are to be avoided, as nobody, gods included, wants to look at a bagel when they’re full. Do not use the bagel as part of any sacrifice at this time.
8. At the conclusion of the chant, beseech the god to answer one Yes/No question for you. Suck up a bit and tell the god you are their faithful servant. It doesn’t hurt. For your own safety be polite then ask an unambiguous question.
9. Immediately after the question, carefully place the bagel poppyseed-side down on the Diagram, and gently tap its underside three times. Before each tap incantthe words: “With these poppyseeds, show me Your Divine Advice.”
10. Lift the bagel carefully and place it back on the plate.
11. Thank the god for their advice. Gods are busy Beings, and their time is valuable.
12. Examine the pattern of poppyseeds on the Diagram. Count the number of seeds in each marked area on the Diagram. Add them up to get counts for seeds in the Affirmative areas (areas with the ✔ symbol), seeds in the Negative areas (marked with the ✖ symbol), and seeds in the Non-Committal areas (marked with the ⁇ symbol). Note that the Affirmative and Negative areas are equally sized and placed on the Diagram, as generally the gods whose advice is worth receiving frown on gerrymandering.
Lucky 13. If the count of seeds in Affirmative areas is larger than any of the other counts, the god has answered YES to your question. If the count of seeds in the Negative areas is larger than any of the other counts, the god has answered NO to your question. Durr. If the highest tally is in the non-committal areas the god is being cagey, and you may want to conduct a runoff divination with another god.
To illustrate:
My question that I asked the gods using The Bagel Divination system was: “Will I, Margaux Vivian Moore, make squillions of dollars from sales from my novel or just bajillions?”
Figure 1 Preparation. The Diagram and the Bagel lie on a clean flat surface. Candle optional.
Figure 2 Seedfall. Gently tapping the bagel which is placed poppyseed-side down on the Diagram
Figure 3 Tallying up the seeds. The answer is YES, I will indeed.
Figure 4 Closeup of the fallen seeds on the Diagram. A knife was used to move the seeds away from black printed areas for counting purposes.
Wow MVM. Until now, the best vegan divination option was tasseography which can be really complex to learn and an inconvenience when you’re more in the mood for a matcha chai latte with soy. For skeptics: this might sound like a half-baked idea but MVM has obviously made squillions from her book, or was it bajillions? I’m a bit unsure but guessing we can buy your wares from Gloop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s shop?